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Dept. of Home Making

So Long and Don't Forget the Cowhorns, Take Two

So. FB's moving out tomorrow. Again. And I'm amazed at just how mixed my feelings are about it.

I'm elated, because it gives me back my livingroom. It also gives me back my son, the one I'd really grown to like; the one who came to visit once or twice a week, and who really enjoyed being an adult around his parents.

While it's amazing how well we got along during these past three months or so - once again, reminding me of how close a trio he, BB and I were as he grew up, for both better and worse - it also was inescapably clear that we could fall back into some of the bad old habits that dogged his last few years with us before the first move out.

FB and I, as BB has noted with slightly dismayed bemusement (or is that bemused dismay?) have always been rather more like close but quarrelsome older sister with much younger brother than we have been mother and son. And close quarters between an irritable, unsure mother and a shy kid - out-talked by louder parents -  with a bad tendency to oppositional dialogue and dynamics? Well, you do the math.

He's deserved being an adult for a long time. I think we all thought the whole "grow up and have one's own home" had been achieved. Things went pear-shaped with a rather cruelly creative vengeance and, voila, there he was, back on our couch, saying "I don't want it to be like it used to be."

And now it's shortly to be, once again, not like it was, which, luckily, it didn't ever get.. No, don't even try to parse what I just wrote. I can't.

He's found a studio apartment. It's small, but not insanely so. It's probably only a little more expensive than he thinks it is. And - this is important, y'all - he will be living by himself for the first time in his life.

Hence, of course, the "mixed" part of my feelings.

He needs to live by himself. He's going to be 28 ... no, wait, today is the 20th, he's actually 28 today.

*pauses*

Sweet weeping ....

*is overwhelmed*

By the time I was 28, I'd been living more or less on my own for a decade. But FB, BB and I, were always so close that one of the down sides was FB's slow introduction to independence. When he left the first time, it was to live with someone else, someone with whom he was deeply involved.

As he said when we asked him why the hell he didn't save money by going in with a room mate, damn it, "I've never lived by myself. I want to be able to shut the door and keep everyone out."

And I'm afraid for him. Stupidly, irrationally, possibly logically. All the stupid questions bounce around in my practical Martha-not-Maryish head; will a studio suffocate him? Can he handle juggling payments and bills and not having the little extras he likes? Will living alone be not nearly as wonderful as he thinks it is? What will it be like in the dark for him when there's no one else there and he wants someone to hug him after a bad day? (Yeah, that's stupid and irrational ... 28 and a man grown, damn it, kaffyr!)

In the end, it doesn't matter one whit. Because what he says is right.

Wish him luck, if you would. Wish him smarts and patience and self-discipline. And more of those things. And maybe a bit more. And wish him a mother who is less prone to over thinking and panicking.




This entry was originally posted at http://kaffyr.dreamwidth.org/236686.html?mode=reply, where there are currently comment count unavailable comments. You can comment there or here; I watch both.

Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
gerisullivan
Oct. 20th, 2012 09:10 am (UTC)
I wish both your beloved FB and you luck and a smooth transition with this move, and admire the heck out of him for choosing to live on his own at this time.

And, goshwow, a very happy birthday to him! What a great birthday present for all of you!

Hmmm....I turned 28 the summer I lived by myself for the first time in my life. Before that it was birth family, college dorm, and marriage. And now, I'm 30 years beyond that. There have been several periods short and long of living with others during these past 30 years, and now my longest stretch -- 11 years -- on my own.

It's far from any life I expected or anticipated, but it's the life I've made, and there's plenty to be satisfied with and joyous about even as I strive to live with my own shortcomings. My birthday wish for your FB is that he find himself believing the same another 30 years down his road.

Hugs, dear.
kaffyr
Oct. 20th, 2012 01:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you, my dear; it's oh, so good to know someone else went through the same sort of timeline. It makes me feel a good deal better.

Life does take its twists, turns, and foxtrots, doesn't it? I'm just glad that your life developed in such a way as to leave you satisfied and joyous - and part of mine. Heh.

And now ... it's Moving Day!
heatherbelles
Oct. 20th, 2012 09:42 am (UTC)
I'm sure he'll be fine. I was in student accommodation and a house-shared all through Uni, and then moved back in with my parents after, so I was about the same age as FB the first time I lived on my own properly, when I went up to work in Edinburgh. I had much the same reasoning for not wanting to flat-share (as well as a few bad memories from uni-days and a couple of the flatmates then).

And I loved it. I found it difficult to then move back in after the contract ended and I was unemployed, (not quite the same as FB but similafeelings of 'I don't want it like it was') and I was over the moon to get the job, and look again for somewhere to live.

And now I *own* my own place, and am hoping that I will continue to be able to balance things enough to not have to take in a lodger, as I love my own space.

I'm on the phone to my parents most nights for a natter, and a virtual hug, and at here I'm not that far away (2hrs) if I need a non-virtual one - and your FB will be nearer than that for the days he needs it.

Living on my own has been great for all of us - much less arguments and stress and territory marking, and much more enjoying each others company when we're together, and enjoying the space when we're not! (They're up next weekend to help move furniture for carpet fitting, I'm very lucky).

And this is a very long and rambling reply to your post, so let in be summed up in the dialect of my newly adopted Yorkshire (although I'm always a Nottingham girl at heart)

- It'll be reet!
kaffyr
Oct. 20th, 2012 01:50 pm (UTC)
As I said to , it's so very good to know that FB isn't unique in his timing; hearing from you makes me feel a little bit better.

Living on my own has been great for all of us - much less arguments and stress and territory marking, and much more enjoying each others company when we're together, and enjoying the space when we're not!

And oh, boy howdy, does this resonate with me!
lost_spook
Oct. 20th, 2012 05:07 pm (UTC)
Aw, well, good luck to you all, anyway.
kaffyr
Oct. 20th, 2012 08:54 pm (UTC)
Thanks. We've just gotten through the major move, thanks to a good friend of his - so much better than when we had to move his things three months ago from his old place - and now it's a matter of reclaiming our place and wishing him the best. I'll probably go over there a couple of times over the next couple of weeks to help him figure out where to put things, but the big push is over.
a_phoenixdragon
Oct. 20th, 2012 09:32 pm (UTC)
I wish him all that and more...and I'm sending massive hugs your way, dear one.

*hugs you close*
kaffyr
Oct. 20th, 2012 09:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you, my dear. I am thinking of you, and sending TARDIS songs of peace and hearts-ease and grace to you and yours.
a_phoenixdragon
Oct. 20th, 2012 09:55 pm (UTC)
Bless you, dear one.

*Snuggles close*
kaffyr
Oct. 21st, 2012 01:05 am (UTC)
*hands you glass of internet wine*
apostle_of_eris
Oct. 23rd, 2012 06:43 pm (UTC)
cool
If you make that internet wine in internet time, you can age your vintages almost overnight!
kaffyr
Oct. 23rd, 2012 06:50 pm (UTC)
I know, right? And the internet oak casks are aged *snap* just like that!
maruad
Oct. 21st, 2012 11:37 am (UTC)
When I was 18 I quit school, got a job, worked until the snow started to fall, then booked a flight to Europe. I traveled with strangers, I had met along the way, through Europe and North Africa for over 3 months. I was running out of money so I came home. Two days after that I went out for coffee with a friend and ended up in Vancouver (with $5 between us and the clothes on our backs). I lived there for 9 months before coming home to continue my education (a longer and much more boring tale).

Although things in the world are tougher economically now, your son is probably much better equipped to deal with life at his age than I was at my age. He will be fine (as you intellectually know even if it is difficult emotionally),
kaffyr
Oct. 21st, 2012 04:29 pm (UTC)
your son is probably much better equipped to deal with life at his age than I was at my age.

I'm not so sure; you sound as if you were able to handle the unknown thrown at you with a great deal more aplomb than either FB - or I, for that matter - could deal with. But perhaps I should be as confident of his abilities as you are. Thanks for reminding me!
maruad
Oct. 21st, 2012 10:40 pm (UTC)
All I knew was to keep my head down and my mouth shut when I didn't know what was going on. It came from growing up in North End Winnipeg. Unless you could back it up, you kept quiet.
kaffyr
Oct. 23rd, 2012 06:51 pm (UTC)
As I said, you handled things with aplomb. The "head down/mouth shut" approach to certain things in life is wiser than the attitudes held by far too many people in this life. Including yours truly. Heh.
apostle_of_eris
Oct. 24th, 2012 12:23 am (UTC)
icon / logo
I saw When did that happen? and it seemed all too appropriate.
(Thank you koken23.)
kaffyr
Oct. 27th, 2012 03:15 am (UTC)
Re: icon / logo
Ooooo. I just got around to this, and I like it. Do you suppose koken23 would mind if I collected it and used it, with credit? If so, then thank you, thank you, for this one, because, damn, there are so many days I feel like this!

(Actually, even if I can't collect it, it was great to see it!)
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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