?

Log in

No account? Create an account

August 22nd, 2007

Can I Ever Stop Being Cowardly?

Short answer is no.

Everyone dreams of being a hero, or being the person others look up to. If you don't do it now, you probably did it at least once when you were younger. But we none of us have much of an idea of how to be a hero, or even reasonable humans.

Scratch that. I have no right to pontificate about other people; maybe you don't dream of being good, or heroic, or some mashup of both. Maybe you don't hope in some small miserable part of your mid-brain that being good and heroic will bring you friends, and respect, and love. Maybe you don't pray that doing all those things will come easy, and that you won't make any mistakes while you do it. Maybe you don't believe that being a hero is better than being brave, or that talking big is just as good as doing good things. And  maybe you don't feel like a fucking fool when you realize that all those hopes and prayers and expectations are all for the wrong things.

Me, I'm 51, and about 15 years ago, I started suspecting I was a fool and a coward - about the same time I was bushwhacked by my own blue smoke and mirrors.

Oh, hell. You mean I have to work at being brave?