January 6th, 2009

Vizard

Music, music, music

You Call That Music?
     The following rant can be blamed on my inability to walk away from Bad Television. Because this weekend, when I could have been alphabetizing my socks, I instead watched (in the company of my First Born) a truckload too many moments of some VH1 piece of uselessness which pretended to bring us ... how shall I put this ...  "the top 100 hard rock songs of all time."
     They weren't. I mean, it's that simple,.
     The list was swollen with far too many offerings from big hair bands of the 198os and early 1990s. Not, I hasten to assure you, the Flock of Haircuts types. No, we're talking bands that represented the worst of all possible worlds of musical nightmare.
     They sported names with the double consonants of black-tee-should-be-heard-only-at-the-funny-car-fairground-type bands, and the names graced groups whose members dressed like Richard Simmons would have dressed if he'd been handed a flying V and pushed onto an arena stage. They played songs that blended lyrics as meaningful as those in household appliance instruction books from Taiwan  with music as resonant as that played behind those 3:45 a.m. 1-900-JAILBAIT ads on your UHF channels.
    The songs offered by these bands? None of them were - I feel I must repeat this - none. of. them. were. "The top 100 hard rock songs of all time."
    Thank you, I'm here all week.