The funeral is three days in the past and my brother is back to work (not because he wants to be back at work; because his boss is a horrible scheduler, is really unsympathetic, and because another guy in his detachment learned that his dad is dying and had to fly to Ontario to be with his family. Sorrow doesn't belong to any one person) and I have a rental car that's super modern and a little intimidating. I'm up in Wolfville and online, albeit not until after I had to fight my computer and its connection at the cafe where I'm seated.
I am gradually returning to real life; it's the only way I can really explain it. At first, I didn't think I was in limbo for the last, what, week, but that's really the case. Things happen, and you react, you respond to people on automatic, remembering all the lessons your parents told you about being polite and being communicative, and you can even fool yourself into thinking that you're not in limbo.
But you really are.
Worrying about my brother has been helpful in keeping me tied to the real world. When you're not totally focused on yourself, you are closer to OK, I think. He's so very weary, after so many months with my mother's illness (not to mention the months in 2011 when he helped Mum and my stepdad move) that I think it will take him even more months to recover. I want to be here for him, and was looking forward to spending more time with him than I've had during the past two Nova Scotia visits. And then that disappears. Oh, well. I will make the most of the time I have with him.
And of course, I will make a hell of a lot of use of the phone in the near future.
I'm going to spend some time later this afternoon with my stepdad and his eldest daughter. Jane and I will go through some of Mum's things, and I'll get rid of all her remaining drugs by taking them back to the pharmacy for disposal (these are the kinds of things you never really think of when it comes to a loved one dying.) We may even make a stab at deciding what things of Mum's we can get rid of, what my stepdad might want to keep for emotional reasons, and what we can give away.
And tomorrow I'll be spending time with Clara, my Mum's oldest surviving friend (or one of two, but the other lady is living down in the American Southwest), who I really love. She sat with the family at the funeral, but we didn't have the chance to share grief and love, so tomorrow we'll have lunch.
I may come back to the cafe later today, before I head back to my brother's, but I think right now it's time to head to Rob's and Jane's.
This entry was originally posted at http://kaffyr.dreamwidth.org/274944.html?mode=reply, where there are currently comments. You can comment there or here; I watch both.