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Dept. of Just Keep Swimming

 It's Been Very Real Out There

So this is just a placeholder to say I'm still alive. My mother died a year ago Monday. That's weird. My company gets sold tomorrow. Also weird. I have a head cold. Not weird, just uncomfortable. More, later.

This entry was originally posted at http://kaffyr.dreamwidth.org/329785.html?mode=reply, where there are currently comment count unavailable comments. You can comment there or here; I watch both.

Comments

( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
a_phoenixdragon
Oct. 31st, 2014 04:00 am (UTC)
*Hugs you hard*

We'll be here, sweetie...

kaffyr
Oct. 31st, 2014 11:38 am (UTC)
Thanks, my dear.
gerisullivan
Oct. 31st, 2014 06:04 am (UTC)
Here's a flutterby for you. Sent with love & commiserations.

Does lemon tea help relieve cold symptoms for you? If so, please have a cup or three on me. And if I could order hot pot soup from Saigon Uptown in Mpls to be shipped to you, I would.
kaffyr
Oct. 31st, 2014 11:39 am (UTC)
What a pretty icon!

< i>Does lemon tea help relieve cold symptoms for you?</i>

Nope, not unless it has copious amounts of bourbon in it. Heh. On the other hand, yes indeed, hot pot soup sounds wonderful!
flowsoffire
Oct. 31st, 2014 07:16 am (UTC)
*hugs you tightly* Thinking of you, dear ♥ (I'd been concerned about you and BB, so the update is always welcome.)

kaffyr
Oct. 31st, 2014 11:41 am (UTC)
Thank you for your thoughts, my dear - I think my life has probably been no more or less unsettled than that of many of my friends, and I wish I'd had the spoons to provide support to them.
flowsoffire
Oct. 31st, 2014 03:09 pm (UTC)
True, true. At least we all have each other! ♥
kaffyr
Oct. 31st, 2014 05:58 pm (UTC)
Oh, that's a lovely icon! And we do, don't we?
flowsoffire
Oct. 31st, 2014 07:14 pm (UTC)
Yes, llorona_llorona's gifs are always a joy to have ;)

We do. ♥♥♥ And honestly, it can be a damn lifesaver! ;)
lost_spook
Oct. 31st, 2014 12:30 pm (UTC)
*sends hugs*
kaffyr
Oct. 31st, 2014 05:59 pm (UTC)
*sends hugs your way, too*
maruad
Oct. 31st, 2014 12:38 pm (UTC)
With regards to my mom's death, I found the first anniversary to be the worst. The pain seems to fade over time. Hopefully it will be the same for you.
lolmac
Oct. 31st, 2014 12:51 pm (UTC)
This is pretty much what I was going to say -- the "anniversary effect" is very real, and the first was my worst for both parents. You have my deepest sympathy!

Be gentle and kind to yourself! You deserve it.
kaffyr
Oct. 31st, 2014 06:05 pm (UTC)
You have my deepest sympathy!

Oh, thank you! Your words, and maruad's feel very important to me now. As I told him above, it's been a whole year, and I'm still afraid to really process it. She was one of my two best friends in the world.
kaffyr
Oct. 31st, 2014 06:03 pm (UTC)
The pain seems to fade over time. Hopefully it will be the same for you.

It's less pain than the feeling one layer above that. I still haven't allowed myself to really think about it. The pain has surprised me a couple of times this year, and it's really horrible when it ambushes me. I suppose professionals would say that I need to really think about it now, get all the pain out and live through it. But I'm still not ready. It hurts

Somehow, what you've told me, though, makes me feel a little better. Thank you.

lolmac
Oct. 31st, 2014 09:16 pm (UTC)
possibly too much, but hopefully okay
One thing that helped me was giving myself opportunities to grieve, full out. I had a great support system -- plenty of people who gave me room to grieve and didn't judge, didn't tell me I should be finished by now, didn't mouth platitudes at me. I would not have done well with platitudes.

I suppose professionals would say that I need to really think about it now, get all the pain out and live through it.

I'm not a professional in this, just someone who has lived with it. Not through it -- not exactly. One of the things that has helped me is not expecting to get "through" it, as in, pass through and leave everything behind me and yo, it's past, bye. I discovered early on that this expectation made me angry as hell -- because my mother was too damned important to be left behind. She's dead, she was my mother and she was wonderful (and sometimes not wonderful, being human), and I will always carry with me the love and the memories and the loss.

The pain is part of the loss, of course -- for me, it was the loss that I had to come to terms with; the pain was a side effect, Iguess.

The loss changes shape over time. It gets less spiky, less opaque. It stops being an agony, stops threatening to disable, no longer looks like a void that will swallow the world. It stays with you as a part of you, and shapes a part of your soul as you move forward through life. It finds its scale as one of the key things that happened between you and your mother -- but it's not the most important thing, because there are all the wonderful things that you shared during her life, and all the wonderful parts of her that remain with you.

If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out to me.

*also hugs, if you don't mind an offer of hugs*
kaffyr
Nov. 1st, 2014 11:53 pm (UTC)
Re: possibly too much, but hopefully okay
This is definitely not too much, and most certainly okay. Thank you for what you've said. You've gone through this, and you grasp what it is that I'm going through.

One of the things that has helped me is not expecting to get "through" it, as in, pass through and leave everything behind me and yo, it's past, bye. I discovered early on that this expectation made me angry as hell -- because my mother was too damned important to be left behind. [snip] it was the loss that I had to come to terms with; the pain was a side effect, I guess.

This, particularly the last bit, is brilliantly on point, and it's something I hadn't thought about, that the pain is a side-effect. If I start thinking about that, it becomes more something I can understand, and less something I'm overwhelmed by.

I'm sort of verging on speechless, and very touched, with your offer. Thank you; this is why I always laugh when people say that people can't connect on the Internet.

I will gladly accept a hug. Hugs are always in order.
liadtbunny
Oct. 31st, 2014 03:56 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear about your week *hugs*
kaffyr
Oct. 31st, 2014 06:10 pm (UTC)
Many thanks. Hugs are some of the best antidotes for sorrow, and I appreciate yours!
azalaisdep
Oct. 31st, 2014 06:10 pm (UTC)
Sending virtual hugs and chicken soup...
kaffyr
Oct. 31st, 2014 06:14 pm (UTC)
Both are very much appreciated, especially since today is also a day with weird sunlight and sudden snow showers. And it's Hallowe'en. A very weird day indeed.
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )

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