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Dept. of Just Keep Swimming

Whiplash and such

My Christmas season, my holiday season, has been rather schizophrenic, in the non-medical sense of the word. The first couple of weeks were actually pretty good. I've mentioned that we got most of our Christmas presents purchased early on, and that they were things that made us feel good to buy. I also got out almost two dozen cards, something I haven't done in several years. All of those were good things.

BB and I got our Christmas tree, albeit a couple of days late, and we finally got it decorated on Sunday. That, too, was good; it was much more bushy than we'd realized, and took up all our usable ornaments. I even had to go out to find more garland. That was incredibly difficult, since apparently everyone in Chicago this year wanted ordinary silver sparkly garlands. I went to five different places to find some garland, and eventually found a fairly suitable substitution for what I wanted. (The downside is that I swear it smells faintly of skunk. BB thinks it's just an odd plastic smell, but it is a bit jarring if I get my face too close to it. The obvious answer, of course, is not to smash my nose into it. Heh.)

Since FB and Ms Emily are spending Christmas at her family's, we had early Christmas here for them on Sunday night. It was extremely pleasant - we watched The Snowman and It's a Wonderful Life, the latter being an all-time favorite of all four of us. (I like Ms E for many reasons, and her love of It's a Wonderful Life is one of them.) They gave me a TARDIS tea infuser, and Ms E said she wants to keep giving me a TARDIS-themed gift every Christmas. Yet another reason to like her!

So, all of those things were to the good. So was the fact that I found a small goose and a small turkey that I plan to cook for Christmas dinner.

But other things have started dragging me down, and I'm struggling to fight them off.

The onrushing employee transition period between Old Evil Overlords and New Evil Overlords is becoming more overwhelming, even though I suspect I'm handling some of the more technical online bits of the transition better than some of my editorial colleagues. New Evil Overlords prefer to do every thing - every fucking thing - online, and that tends to throw some of us. I found myself giving advice to other reporters on how to navigate getting  your tax information into their system, and I'm really not the one who should be doing that.

Another nagging annoyance: Since we're going to be moving from a business Gmail account to a (ptui) Outlook account with very limited storage space, I've been trying to work out a way to set up my own personal "business" Gmail account, with the same name as the old one (I should be able to use the same address name once the Old Evil Overlords purge their particular Gmail account of my name.) In the meantime, I'll be bringing all my stored emails to a holding gmail account that I've had, unused, for a couple of years. All of which you didn't need to know, but that's what's been  preying on my mind.

I've been the point person for the union in dealing with vacation transition problems. Those are far too involved to talk about here, but yesterday we ran into a problem because neither company appears willing to pay the accrual costs that would effectively give us next year's paid vacations. (One thing we all consistently forget is that the vacation we use in one year was actually accrued, on paper at least, the year before. If we come into the new company without either it or the old company agreeing to pay that accrual, we may not have vacation for next year. So there's that. And ... I ended up telling you all about it anyway. I cannot keep my mouth shut, can I? The upshot is that the job changeover has become such a weight on me that I ended up dreaming about it much of last night.

I also have begun to feel under the gun again in terms of getting my new editor enough story material. This one is a more irrational fear.

And last night I had a minor dissolution into tears because I abruptly really, really didn't want to host Christmas dinner. I didn't feel as if I'd have the time to put it together, I didn't feel as if we have the space to make it enjoyable for nine people, I didn't have what I consider a clean place to host it in ....

AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaauuuuughh! My Brain Isn't Being Logical, and I Am Disapproving of It!

So right now, I'm going off to the home office to see if I can get myself turned around. If I can't do that by the end of the day, I am going to risk my friendships with at least two or three groups of people and tell them that, with many very honest apologies, I can't do Christmas. It's a bit unforgivable (wait, that's like saying "a bit pregnant," isn't it?) but I think it may be a realistic mental-health option for me. I shall know before 6 p.m. or so.

Also, BB has another appointment with the endocrinologist today, and I'm going with him. The last visit was less than optimal and, although we think we'll have better results this time, I'm not looking forward to it.

Also again - nothing written for [community profile] fandom_stocking  yet. My brain isn't working. This is bad.

Fluffy bunnies, I'm just going to think about fluffy bunnies. And kittehz. Must think of kittehz.


ETA: LJ just sent me a message telling me that this post made its top 25 posts of the day. LJ is clearly lying or dying, I'm not sure which.





This entry was originally posted at http://kaffyr.dreamwidth.org/336942.html?mode=reply, where there are currently comment count unavailable comments. You can comment there or here; I watch both.

Comments

( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
liadtbunny
Dec. 23rd, 2014 03:30 pm (UTC)
*Hugs* for Xmas stress. Maybe you could ask your guests to help or bring some food and take the pressure off you? Or stay for a shorter amount of time? I'm sure people would be understanding.
kaffyr
Dec. 23rd, 2014 08:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the hugs! Luckily, several of my friends are helping out by bringing before dinner nibbles and dessert. I'm also feeling a little better about it all today - quite possibly because the sun has been shining today, for the first time in roughly a week.
liadtbunny
Dec. 24th, 2014 04:00 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're feeling better. It's amazing what wonders a bit of sunshine can work:)
azalaisdep
Dec. 23rd, 2014 04:51 pm (UTC)
Arrgh, just accidentally brushed a button and managed to delete my comment! (Which gives you some indication of my state of mind)

I was empathising with the "but, but, I can't possibly host Christmas if everything isn't clean and tidy and perfect" state of mind - and remembering that an hour after everyone has arrived, the place is always a joyous mess anyway, and what everybody really wants is your company, and as long as there is food and drink will anyone *really* care if there are cobwebs in the corners and not all the china matches or whatever?

Make the right decision for you - if it is getting you that stressed and unhappy then I'm sure people will understand...
kaffyr
Dec. 23rd, 2014 08:53 pm (UTC)
and remembering that an hour after everyone has arrived, the place is always a joyous mess anyway,

I think that's the part that I need to remember, without then going into the equally irrational "OMG, it's going to get messy, and I don't want the new mess to be on top of the old mess!" I will focus on that, and the "joyous" part of the sentence is the most important. Thanks for helping me remember!
gerisullivan
Dec. 23rd, 2014 05:34 pm (UTC)
One small piece of reality check: you will not be risking the friendships I know about if you end up canceling Christmas at your home this year. The part of your brain telling you that canceling will be risking those friendships is perhaps among the not being logical part, however the part where you realize that even if you were risking those friendships, you will cancel if it's the realistic mental health option for you? That part is spot on! Go, you. Go Kaffyr's brain!

Here's to thinking about fluffy bunnies and kittehz. Fluffy bunnies, kittehz, and Santa Ducky!
kaffyr
Dec. 23rd, 2014 09:07 pm (UTC)
You are the voice of reason, my dear, and you are quite right. I'm feeling better today, for a variety of reasons, and I think I shall be OK to tackle Christmas; but having folks able to give me a better perspective on the situation sure as hell helped. Thanks! And that Santa Duck? Is amazing. (Also? Check over on my Dreamwidth account to see the lovely pictures of tiny, fat, completely adorable pygmy possums that I was presented with. I'm reasonably sure the pics will make you squee at least a little. Heh.)
a_phoenixdragon
Dec. 23rd, 2014 07:13 pm (UTC)
Bless you, sweetheart...I'm so glad you got the tree and garland and early Xmas with FB and Ms E (who I adore utterly and have ever since you've first mentioned her). It sounds like everything else is trying to go tits up and though I know you'll get it managed and smoothed over and everything running like a dream, I know RIGHT NOW it doesn't seem that way. I'm sending nothing but love, hope, good wishes, positive vibes and more love (just in case). Deep breath, darling. We're all pulling for you over here!

*SNUGGLES YOU TIGHT*
kaffyr
Dec. 23rd, 2014 09:14 pm (UTC)
Your lovely vibes have made me feel very good, my dear. You are so right about Ms E; she and FB are St. Louis-bound as we speak, and we'll be taking care of their kitties, until Andy comes back on Friday (he has to work Saturday.) The work situation seems to be on its way to being corrected, and I'm feeling a lot more energetic about Christmas. Of course, I expect at least three mood swings between then and now. Heh.

*snuggles you right back*
a_phoenixdragon
Dec. 23rd, 2014 09:27 pm (UTC)
YAY!! I did good. *Beams*

I hope they enjoy themselves and come back safe and sound. That's always a plus!

And the work situation being better...well, that's rather icing as well. *Laughs* What is a good Christmas holiday without a few meltdowns, yeah?

*LOVES*
apostle_of_eris
Dec. 23rd, 2014 08:14 pm (UTC)
Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men.

That totally trumps not getting all the cat hair up.
Be good to your self.
kaffyr
Dec. 23rd, 2014 09:15 pm (UTC)
Succinct and absolutely true - thank you.
time_converges
Dec. 24th, 2014 02:06 am (UTC)
holiday stress + work stress?? Not good! I hope things settle down a bit for you and you can enjoy the holiday. And if the thought of hosting dinner is that overwhelming, your mental well-being is the most important. I do hope you're feeling better about it now - I'm terribly late in responding to this! (work stress + holiday stress here, too. But now I'm off work for 5 days, yay!)
kaffyr
Dec. 24th, 2014 02:54 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you're having to deal with holiday and work stress, too. Why is it that offices and other workplaces always seem to have the worst problems intrude, explode, or implode around this time of year? Definitely unpleasant, and I hope your five days off are as refreshing as possible! (Cute icon - Sim related?)
time_converges
Dec. 24th, 2014 04:11 pm (UTC)
Yep - Sims 2, Ten & DOnna - made by one of the lovely people at doctor_donna. :D
kaffyr
Dec. 24th, 2014 08:19 pm (UTC)
Humph - I should have noticed who they resembled. Bad me!
time_converges
Dec. 24th, 2014 08:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, and I just got your card today, thank you! :D
kaffyr
Dec. 24th, 2014 08:19 pm (UTC)
Hurrah!!!! It arrived!!!!!/many exclamation marks
flowsoffire
Dec. 25th, 2014 07:28 am (UTC)
*hugs you tightly* I'm so sorry the difficulties at work have been putting you under such a strain, dear. I hope you could either bow out of hosting Christmas dinner or manage it in a way that was more relaxed and allowed you to truly enjoy yourself, your holiday and your loved ones. Merry Christmas and lots of love to you ♥
kaffyr
Dec. 28th, 2014 01:13 am (UTC)
As it happened, we had a lovely evening entertaining; it was a great gathering of long-time friends, and I managed to be as organized for the dinner as I've been in a while, so I needn't have been as worried as I was.

Thank you for the Christmas wishes, my dear - I hope your Christmas was filled with love, and peace, and precisely as many people as you wanted it to be filled with!
flowsoffire
Dec. 28th, 2014 09:34 am (UTC)
:D That's wonderful to hear! And thank you! ♥
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )

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