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Dept. of Reawakening

Hello Again

For so long I haven"t wanted to post - or perhaps more accurately, I've wanted to post, but haven't been able to. Lacking emotional spoons, I suppose. It's a battle to write for work. It's a battle to communicate with my beloved, because my brain's so empty and, despite what some folks say, without a brain you can't express your heart. It's a battle to keep the house clean, even when I have the time; it's hard to think, hard to be creative, hard to connect with other people unless I absolutely have to. 

In short, I am, apparently, pretty depressed.

There's no medication I can take, or adjust, to deal with this. I'm already on meds that have stood me in good stead for some time, and the last time I checked with my shrink, he evinced no interest in changing them, nor did he seem to think I needed any change. Right now, I don't have the energy to consider changing shrinks, so I simply have to battle - there's that word again - myself out of this.

One way to battle depression is to list some of the things I've been doing that are either positive, good, or even funny or remotely out of the ordinary. 

So let's go: 

I've ordered and received five pounds of premium buckwheat hulls. I have therefore been able to refill my three Korean neck pillows, a necessity as the buckwheat hulls break down and the pillows lose their rigidity. I love my neck pillows. I can't sleep without one. 

I've worked on Chapter 28, as I mentioned. 

I've started watching Season 7 of Game of Thrones (many thanks to FB, who gave me his HBO Go password, and with whom I fangirl thereafter.) BB finally admitted that he wasn't in the least interested in watching Seasons 2 through 6 with me, so I'll watch those at my leisure. It's actually a relief; I'd strongly suspected that BB didn't want to watch, and kept telling him he didn't need to, but for the longest time he insisted that he was fine with watching it. 

We're refinancing the condo, something I'm not sure I've mentioned before. I was already going to be in my 70s before the mortgage was up, so extending it out longer, for lower monthly payments and lower interest rates, was a good idea. Many thanks to BB for taking the initiative on that with our mortgage holder. 

We finally, finally got started on getting our wills set up. There's more work to be done, but we've started, and that's a big deal. 

I've gotten through the first season of Sense8, and am embarking on the second season. It's brilliant. 

And there; that's all I can get myself to write about.

How have all of you been?


This entry was originally posted at http://kaffyr.dreamwidth.org/670352.html?mode=reply, where there are currently comment count unavailable comments. You can comment there or here, but prefer to read over on DW. You can comment there using open ID if you don't have a DW account.


( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 9th, 2017 05:22 am (UTC)
*hugs you tightly*

Take care of yourself, dear ♥ I hope you'll soon be able to leave this dark time behind. Lots of love ♥
Aug. 9th, 2017 01:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you, my dear; I'm choosing to believe that, merely by virtue of being able to make a post, I'm showing signs of getting better. ♥♥♥
Aug. 9th, 2017 07:05 pm (UTC)
It's definitely a good sign! And I tend to think that socialness breeds more socialness. I know I could have really long trends of just hiding under a rock and not feeling like talking/like I had anything worthwhile to say, but when I did push myself out there, getting back into the habit of communicating was usually an encouragement to go on in itself. And it felt more positive too—it's no comprehensive solution to feeling like shit, of course, but every little ray of light is welcome. I hope it does the same to you! ♥
Aug. 11th, 2017 01:17 pm (UTC)
when I did push myself out there, getting back into the habit of communicating was usually an encouragement to go on in itself

It's true; the problem is getting started on that upward spiral is almost painful. Moving seems like the most impossible thing to do. For instance, it's taken me over a day to answer your comment.

Of course, I have answered it, and I mightn't have been able to do that even a few days ago, so I suppose it's a positive thing.

And you're right; while it isn't a comprehensive solution to feeling like shit, every little ray of light is welcome. Thanks for having brought a ray or two into my life.
Aug. 13th, 2017 01:08 pm (UTC)
the problem is getting started on that upward spiral is almost painful. Moving seems like the most impossible thing to do. For instance, it's taken me over a day to answer your comment.
Yes, that sounds very familiar—for communicating and other things. ♥ But as you said, you eventually managed to take that step. I think that because it's so difficult, we need to make every little victory count; every one of them is important, they're a step forward on a difficult path. We need the recognition, and to feel good about what we do achieve, even as we tend to pay more attention to how small it can seem and "just when and how did little things get to be so difficult?"

Thanks for having brought a ray or two into my life.
♥ Okay, that actually made my week. ;) Thank you—for just the same, and for those words, they mean a lot to me :)
Aug. 13th, 2017 03:34 pm (UTC)
You always bring a ray or two of sun into my life - your kind words and thoughtful comments are among the reasons I consider myself lucky to have found online fandom. I hope your Sunday has gone well, and that the coming week treats you kindly!
Aug. 13th, 2017 04:47 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥ Thank you, dear. The same to you, and take care!

Edited at 2017-08-13 04:47 pm (UTC)
Aug. 9th, 2017 02:21 pm (UTC)
Big hugs. I hope you're able to start feeling better soon. I've been in something of a funk myself--between a lousy work situation and a dismal national situation, there's precious little to feel even remotely positive about. I haven't done anything creative in well over a year. I don't even feel much like posting about interesting cultural stuff on LJ, the way I used to. I want to write something long and thinky about book-to-screen adaptations, and the energy just won't come. Every time I think I might muster up some inspiration, I get broadsided by life. Right before I left for my recent vacation, my two staff assistants were laid off. I'm still reeling.

You can read about my vacation here: http://eaweek.livejournal.com/206222.html. It was short but lovely. : )

Congrats to you on getting your will drawn up. (You mean you have NO will at the moment? Yikes! Get thee to thy attorney, my dear!)

I've been following GoT mostly via You Tube videos, which is a fun, fast way to watch something. I must have watched the epic battle scene with the dragon a dozen times. Holy smoking lizard! I'm going to blow through my tablet's monthly data allotment if I keep this up. Heh.

Good luck to you with the writing/ getting your epic story finished at long last. : )

It's so nice to see you posting again!

Edited at 2017-08-09 02:22 pm (UTC)
Aug. 9th, 2017 06:19 pm (UTC)
Oh, no - I didn't realize your work situation had deteriorated! I hope your relationship with New Boss Lady still remains decent (I know you were quite happy with her, compared with Old Boss Lady.) Layoffs definitely hurt; I've lost colleagues to layoffs before, and it hurts both emotionally and practically. Any chance you'll get them back as rehires, if the financial situation at your college improves?

I'll hop on over to look at your vacation post tonight, after I'm back from my Guild meeting.

And the way you follow GoT is how I've been doing it for the past two or three seasons (didn't watch it at all before then); I've also read the books, although there's been significant variation from the books by now.
Aug. 10th, 2017 04:44 pm (UTC)
Everything with Dean Lady is wonderful. I told her yesterday I was job-hunting (had kept that to myself until now, but I felt I had to break the news sooner or later), and she was actually verklempt at the thought of losing me. Former Dean Lady is now blessedly retired, and I hope she doesn't let the door hit her in the arse on her way out of the college.

I can't imagine either staffer being rehired. One of them was going to retire next year anyway (she was already retired from her previous career in government; she has a pension and social security, so she's fine). The other is younger and much more vulnerable; I need to call her and see how she's doing. I hate that they were let go in such an abrupt, shitty manner. I also hate having all this extra work dumped on me. And I feel guilty that they're laid off and I still have my job. : (

Vacation was so wonderful. I'm still glowing!

I joke I'll watch the TV series properly after all the books are written. I won't even start the books until a publication date for book 7 is announced. At the rate GRRM is writing, I'll be watching GoT sometime in 2030. : D
Aug. 11th, 2017 01:23 pm (UTC)
I'll keep my fingers crossed that your college somehow emerges from the financial morass, aided by significant growth in enrollment. And if you can get even a part-time single aide back, perhaps that will be within possibility.

My next vacation is a long weekend at Thanksgiving, followed by a week between Christmas and New Years (one benefit of having Way Too Much Seniority, even in my poorly-paid position, is that I get to take the prime vacation times. And, while I try to be kind and fair in most things in life, I figure I've reached this point without quitting or hitting anyone, so I deserve the prime.)

I figure I need to go back and reread A Dance With Dragons, because I feel relatively optimistic that we'll get Winds of Winter before the end of 2018. (Mind you, I snorted as I wrote that. Heh.)
Aug. 11th, 2017 03:30 pm (UTC)
I'm not holding my breath on things improving here any time soon; the years of poor/ blinkered decisions and cronyism have finally caught up with us. This would be bad enough, but it was compounded exponentially by my former boss's asshattery back in 2015, which garnered us some simply horrible publicity, which caused our already tottering enrollment numbers to plummet even further. Then, instead of working to remedy the problem--via developing new academic programs and trying to recruit different populations of students--the faculty and administration wasted critical time with infighting, squabbling, bickering. So our competition is running many miles ahead, while we limp along at the rear.

The entire category of staff assistant was eliminated, so sadly, I don't see any of those jobs coming back. I had naively hoped they would at least keep young S on board, but no dice. Faculty are going to have to do things for themselves. It's going to mean a certain amount of cultural re-training, because faculty are so accustomed to just walking in at the last minute and plunking down jobs on someone's desk, knowing it will be taken care of. They're going to have to plan in advance, horror of horrors.

I've already let my boss know I'm looking elsewhere. She's verklempt, but she understands. I made it very clear that leaving the college is not my first choice, but I need to make a change for my own financial security. I don't have a spouse who can support me if I'm laid off. I don't have wealthy parents who are going to die and leave me a fortune. I'm my sole source of support, which includes stashing away money for retirement. I can't afford to be a Pollyanna and think maybe everything will be okay. If the college doesn't fold outright, it's probably going to be subsumed into another institution (so we'll either merge with one of our fellow consortium colleges, or we'll become part of Boston University or somesuch), in which case a lot of staff jobs are going to become redundant. I'm not going to sit around and wait for that to happen. If I get a decent offer that's within my salary range, I'm out of here.

Anyway, enough about my woes. : )

I'm glad to hear you have a vacation coming up, and I would be shameless about taking prime vacation time. It's a perk of seniority, and even knowing nothing about your job, I'd say you've bloody well earned it. : D

LOL about being optimistic for the release of Winds of Winter. I definitely would not bet money on that. : )
Aug. 12th, 2017 05:07 pm (UTC)
I wish you the best of luck in finding a new job. It would be great if the college miraculously (and quickly) rebounded, but since that's on par with unicorns and rainbows, I'm rooting for someone to realize what a catch you would be for their team, and to offer you the proper remuneration.
Aug. 11th, 2017 05:06 am (UTC)
That a list of solid things done (and well done on the wills, I know a lot of folk that avoid them which causes all kinds of grief down the line).

I'm sorry you're in a darker place, hope the light comes back to you soon.
Aug. 11th, 2017 01:25 pm (UTC)
I still need to get some things done on the wills, in terms of gathering information on my pension and defined contribution plans (the latter being known as 401K plans over here), as well as putting together a list of the small things that need to be included in the will. Then I email them off to Dr. Gonzo, our family lawyer (not her real name, but the name she got whilst being the bass player in our rock and roll band lo, these many years ago.)

I'm working on getting out of the dark place now. I have a lot of people pulling for me, and also a lot of people depending on me, so it's a task undertaken none too soon. Thanks for your kind thoughts.
Aug. 11th, 2017 03:33 pm (UTC)
Posting this separately; it's a beautiful performance piece about struggling with adversity, made by a ballet dancer who had to quit her job with NYCB due to an autoimmune illness:

Aug. 12th, 2017 05:14 pm (UTC)
I can't even begin to fathom the heartbreak of someone in her situation - having sacrificed so much already to get as far as she did so early - and then almost literally, to have her legs cut out from under her. It's gorgeous, and heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing it with me.
Aug. 13th, 2017 02:41 am (UTC)
Glad you like! Kathryn Morgan is a gutsy woman who had to reinvent herself. She's shared openly how difficult it was to suddenly gain 45 pounds, lose half her hair, have no energy. It took several years for her condition to be correctly diagnosed. She does gig performances now sometimes, but mostly seems to have shifted into teaching. She got married this year and is doing well. Needless to say, I admire her a lot.
Aug. 13th, 2017 03:59 pm (UTC)
I couldn't have done what she did. None of it. Good for her, for reinventing her life in the face of illness.
Aug. 15th, 2017 06:47 pm (UTC)
Even though I don't take dance classes any more, I love watching her You Tube instructional videos. She breaks down ballet technique so wonderfully; I wish I'd had such a resource when I was taking lessons.

She was admittedly fortunate enough to have an affluent family who could support her until she developed her second career, but it still took guts and ingenuity. She has admitted that at the depths of her illness, she had days when she would not even leave her bedroom.
Aug. 13th, 2017 09:14 pm (UTC)
*hugs you hard* I totally get this. And all you can do is soldier on and know it will get better (on the good days, anyway). Pulling for you, honey. ALWAYS.

*Sends love*
Aug. 13th, 2017 09:24 pm (UTC)
Oh, you're here! I'm so glad! I've been worried about you!!

*hugs and more hugs*
Aug. 13th, 2017 09:32 pm (UTC)
My dear one - I should not be an extra worry on your mind! I'm trying my best to break back in and...BE HERE, you know? I miss it. I say that with every post I DO make (which has been few, I know), but maybe with my next post I can explain my silly anxieties about posting (when it seems I'm never here) a little better - and worry my loved ones less.

You and Bob and FB are always in my heart. I think of you often (and worry a bit myself, lol!) I keep trying to find ways to interact more..and I'm hoping that soon that will be a possibility. Know I'm always sending love and hope, m'dear. You are loved. Always!
Aug. 13th, 2017 10:00 pm (UTC)
One worries about one's friends - don't feel guilty about that. I'm just glad to "hear" you. I certainly understand about not being able to post!
Aug. 13th, 2017 11:16 pm (UTC)
*hugs you hard* Here is to hoping we both have happier times (and more time!) soon. ♥
Aug. 15th, 2017 06:50 pm (UTC)
Here's another video, since you enjoy watching GoT via chopped up You Tube videos as much as me. This one will make you laugh. : )

Real Housewives of Westeros:
Aug. 18th, 2017 05:19 pm (UTC)

That was priceless! Thanks!
Aug. 18th, 2017 07:45 pm (UTC)

I still need to watch Sense8 myself.

Aug. 18th, 2017 10:20 pm (UTC)
I definitely recommend it. When I first heard of the story, I thought the concept would be too thin to hold my interest episode after episode. I discovered that it wasn't; it might be completely unrealistic in our world, but they make it work within the world of the show. All the actors fill their characters out really well, and the writing and pacing are such that you don't feel any character is short-changed.

So, yes, if you get the chance, definitely binge watch it.
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )

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