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Dept. of Reawakening

Hello Again

For so long I haven"t wanted to post - or perhaps more accurately, I've wanted to post, but haven't been able to. Lacking emotional spoons, I suppose. It's a battle to write for work. It's a battle to communicate with my beloved, because my brain's so empty and, despite what some folks say, without a brain you can't express your heart. It's a battle to keep the house clean, even when I have the time; it's hard to think, hard to be creative, hard to connect with other people unless I absolutely have to. 

In short, I am, apparently, pretty depressed.

There's no medication I can take, or adjust, to deal with this. I'm already on meds that have stood me in good stead for some time, and the last time I checked with my shrink, he evinced no interest in changing them, nor did he seem to think I needed any change. Right now, I don't have the energy to consider changing shrinks, so I simply have to battle - there's that word again - myself out of this.

One way to battle depression is to list some of the things I've been doing that are either positive, good, or even funny or remotely out of the ordinary. 

So let's go: 

I've ordered and received five pounds of premium buckwheat hulls. I have therefore been able to refill my three Korean neck pillows, a necessity as the buckwheat hulls break down and the pillows lose their rigidity. I love my neck pillows. I can't sleep without one. 

I've worked on Chapter 28, as I mentioned. 

I've started watching Season 7 of Game of Thrones (many thanks to FB, who gave me his HBO Go password, and with whom I fangirl thereafter.) BB finally admitted that he wasn't in the least interested in watching Seasons 2 through 6 with me, so I'll watch those at my leisure. It's actually a relief; I'd strongly suspected that BB didn't want to watch, and kept telling him he didn't need to, but for the longest time he insisted that he was fine with watching it. 

We're refinancing the condo, something I'm not sure I've mentioned before. I was already going to be in my 70s before the mortgage was up, so extending it out longer, for lower monthly payments and lower interest rates, was a good idea. Many thanks to BB for taking the initiative on that with our mortgage holder. 

We finally, finally got started on getting our wills set up. There's more work to be done, but we've started, and that's a big deal. 

I've gotten through the first season of Sense8, and am embarking on the second season. It's brilliant. 

And there; that's all I can get myself to write about.

How have all of you been?

 

This entry was originally posted at http://kaffyr.dreamwidth.org/670352.html?mode=reply, where there are currently comment count unavailable comments. You can comment there or here, but prefer to read over on DW. You can comment there using open ID if you don't have a DW account.

Comments

flowsoffire
Aug. 9th, 2017 05:22 am (UTC)
*hugs you tightly*

Take care of yourself, dear ♥ I hope you'll soon be able to leave this dark time behind. Lots of love ♥
kaffyr
Aug. 9th, 2017 01:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you, my dear; I'm choosing to believe that, merely by virtue of being able to make a post, I'm showing signs of getting better. ♥♥♥
flowsoffire
Aug. 9th, 2017 07:05 pm (UTC)
It's definitely a good sign! And I tend to think that socialness breeds more socialness. I know I could have really long trends of just hiding under a rock and not feeling like talking/like I had anything worthwhile to say, but when I did push myself out there, getting back into the habit of communicating was usually an encouragement to go on in itself. And it felt more positive too—it's no comprehensive solution to feeling like shit, of course, but every little ray of light is welcome. I hope it does the same to you! ♥
kaffyr
Aug. 11th, 2017 01:17 pm (UTC)
when I did push myself out there, getting back into the habit of communicating was usually an encouragement to go on in itself

It's true; the problem is getting started on that upward spiral is almost painful. Moving seems like the most impossible thing to do. For instance, it's taken me over a day to answer your comment.

Of course, I have answered it, and I mightn't have been able to do that even a few days ago, so I suppose it's a positive thing.

And you're right; while it isn't a comprehensive solution to feeling like shit, every little ray of light is welcome. Thanks for having brought a ray or two into my life.
flowsoffire
Aug. 13th, 2017 01:08 pm (UTC)
the problem is getting started on that upward spiral is almost painful. Moving seems like the most impossible thing to do. For instance, it's taken me over a day to answer your comment.
Yes, that sounds very familiar—for communicating and other things. ♥ But as you said, you eventually managed to take that step. I think that because it's so difficult, we need to make every little victory count; every one of them is important, they're a step forward on a difficult path. We need the recognition, and to feel good about what we do achieve, even as we tend to pay more attention to how small it can seem and "just when and how did little things get to be so difficult?"

Thanks for having brought a ray or two into my life.
♥ Okay, that actually made my week. ;) Thank you—for just the same, and for those words, they mean a lot to me :)
kaffyr
Aug. 13th, 2017 03:34 pm (UTC)
You always bring a ray or two of sun into my life - your kind words and thoughtful comments are among the reasons I consider myself lucky to have found online fandom. I hope your Sunday has gone well, and that the coming week treats you kindly!
flowsoffire
Aug. 13th, 2017 04:47 pm (UTC)
♥♥♥ Thank you, dear. The same to you, and take care!

Edited at 2017-08-13 04:47 pm (UTC)

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