kaffyr (kaffyr) wrote,
kaffyr
kaffyr

Dept. of Pain

Okay, This Is New. And Awful

As I was getting ready for my birthday union meeting this morning, I turned to pick up some clothing on the floor. 

Bad move. Really, really bad move. My lower right back seized in pain, a pinpoint knife-like pain that stopped my breath, and made me cry out. It was a pain I've occasionally felt before, although it's not the area of my back where the pain leads to spasms. I thought to myself, "OK, I pinched a nerve somehow. It'll get better." That was reasonable to expect, since previous, less painful twinges had disappeared within 24 hours. 

I was able to get in my car and drive to the union meeting, although it got increasingly more painful throughout that time. I came home, and decided to lie down with a heating pad on the back; again, a reasonable thing to do, since that's helped my various back problems in the past. 

Then I tried to get up. 

Jesus Christ on a fucking crutch, it hurt so bad I couldn't straighten up. It hurt so bad that I couldn't think straight enough to try to straighten up. It hurt so bad that I thought I was going to fall over, and that would have hurt even more. I called to Bob and he came in, but he couldn't help me out of the crouch I was in. My breath stopped, and I had enough presence of mind to wonder if the pain ever would. 

Somehow I got up, and the pain was gone, as if it had never been; all that was left was the panting, and the desire to cry, but not the energy. 

And as long as I didn't get back down, as long as I stood or slowly leveraged myself up or down in a chair, everything was manageable. The pain didn't exist, or it was only there as an echo. 

But move one way or another - one of those little muscle moves that one can't quantify, because it probably involves muscular movement so minute that the conscious mind doesn't register it - and the pain appears out of the dark dimension, full fledged, with the knife deep into every cell of my back. It happened just before I started this post, when I stood up and reached for something I needed. 

I'm supposed to be at a layoff meeting tomorrow morning, and I should be there, because the other union folks there need watching. But I can't. I'm afraid to go to bed, because I know I'll need help getting out of the bed to go to the bathroom at night, to get up tomorrow morning, and I'm afraid everything will hurt so much that I can't get my deadline stories done. And I'm, stupidly, irrationally, afraid that my bosses won't believe me, because this happened on the weekend and I'm now unable to work on the first day of the week. 

Gah. I can't even say that this is a result of not doing my back exercises, because this pain isn't the kind that the exercises were meant to prevent. At least I don't think so ... I'm afraid I've put on enough weight that I'm not accounting for as I walk and sit, etc., and maybe that's the reason for this. And I hate the idea that I'm to blame for this, but it's probably the truth. 

But I did, oddly, have a good birthday after the union meeting. BB and FB and I went out to the huge Korean multi-mart in suburban Chicago, which was exactly what I wanted to do; I ate Korean dumplings, and we got far too many Japanese/Korean sweets and garlic tofu cakes and yummy things. That's really all I wanted for my birthday, and that part of my day was wonderful. 

Now if only this fucking (probable) pinched nerve would bloody unpinch itself, I would be grateful to the universe. Because dear, sweet lord, the pain .... 
This entry was originally posted at http://kaffyr.dreamwidth.org/674871.html?mode=reply, where there are currently comment count unavailable comments. You can comment there or here, but prefer to read over on DW. You can comment there using open ID if you don't have a DW account.
Tags: life in the circus, medical, pain
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